MAGNUM P.I.

Payback's A Itch !

I usually refrain from writing about bodily functions and physical maladies because they're just gross. I do however have a certain obligation to warn my fellow citizens of potential dangers or unexplained incidents responsible for their elevated anxieties. I will dispense then, with my usual attempt at political correctness in the interest of delivering the impact required of this message. This latest INCIDENT ALERT has to do with my weekend encounter with Poison Ivy and its unexpected disproportionate and possibly global consequence.

The first indication I had broken the usually amicable alliance with my immune response system was a strange 4 note repetition in my subconscious similar to the refrain in the film Close Encounters of the Third Kind. As the musical symptom became increasingly frequent and gained intensity I recognized it as a guitar tuning device sometimes sung as "My Dog Has Fleas". That was quickly followed by swelling of the forearms combined with a craving for spinach straight from the can, and finally the incessant itching.

Over the course of similar past afflictions, and being extremely disciplined about not scratching, I have come to use a rather odd home remedy. The "remedy" for itch relief consists of holding the affected area under running water set to the hottest temperature one can physically stand short of requiring a lengthly stay in the Burn Center of the closest Shriner's hospital. The strange combined sensations of pain and pleasure derived from this ritual of Hydrotherapudic/Sadomasochism can best be described as a painful orgasm. An experience similar, I assume, to having intercourse with a determined monk during immolation, accompanied by the expected euphoria of forbidden ecstacy and an appropriate measure of requisite guilt. Anyway, I digress.

The latest allergic progression has taken the form of several large blisters on my right forearm a few of which, due to their unusual proportion, have recently been added to the registry of planets. These seemingly benign forms have actually begun to develop their own gravitational force and I have it on strong scientific authority are causing concern on several global fronts. Tidal rising, changing weather patterns, and planetary orbit data are but some of the reports collected to this point. I'm told there is fear of a 3 day lunar eclipse and Al Gore has already hired a production crew !

I strongly suspect that my current affliction is also responsible for the recent disappearance of my car and house keys, lower than usual gas milage, and an unusual incidence of irregularity. Hopefully additional over-the-counter medication or an accelerated natural regression will thwart these potential natural disasters before we are forced to once again test the competence of FEMA !

For a more popular interpretation on the Poison Ivy dilemma take a look at the lyrics to the Lieber and Stoller song "Poison Ivy", a hit released by the Coasters in 1959.