TERROR ALERT !

I'M AFRAID MY PROSTATE MAY EXPLODE
before I finish this post !

Once again I am torn between my usual hesitation to address graphically unpleasant subject matter and a need to voice my opinion on a disturbing trend. It's not that I am obsessively concerned with hygiene or opposed to using language that some might consider obscene (in the proper context), or even that I don't find occasional humor in matters of distaste when cleverly presented.

But I don't find 'fart jokes' funny, and I know I could never properly care for an infant without depleting the world's supply of hazardous material protection gear. Therefore, language regarding bodily function is usually absent from my conversation and draws little reaction on my part when presented by others. I prefer the "Las Vegas" rule of bathroom etiquette - "What happens in the potty, stays in the potty".

So it is with great trepidation and care that I approach this post. Now that you've been properly prepared - let's begin.

ENLARGED PROSTATE, Erectile Disfunction, weak stream, decrease in semen - I face these threats and I'm supposed to fear Osama ? According to this report all males over the age of fifty are walking terrorists with a ticking time bomb up their ass, I'm surprised they let us anywhere near an airport ! I'm living on borrowed time even as I compose this post.

And just as I was feeling depressed about these life altering encounters I heard an even more disturbing array of maladies so unfathomable as to conjure visions of Dr. Hyde's laboratory and prefaced by the image altering adjective "FEMININE". Vaginal, dryness, itching, yeast infection, menstrual, period, and then there's also the bipartisan commonly faced afflictions like Hemorrhoids, Genital Herpes, and the occasional seemingly extraterrestrial maladies like RLS (restless leg), and various other "Syndromes".

Once past the shock of perhaps facing some of these explicit symptoms there was a brief moment of relief as I realize they are about to announce a treatment. Of course that relief is short lived when they begin an endless list of "rarely occurring" SIDE EFFECTS which sound even more uncomfortable or life threatening than the disease. Dizzyness, rash, dry mouth, insomnia, mood changes, weight gain, fatigue, blistering, burning, itching, or peeling, liver problems, blurring vision, heart trauma, etc. And, as if that isn't enough, there follows a multitude of suspicious disclaimers. THANKS ALOT ! Is that the best that a monopolistic, non-regulated, 'free' market, record profit, twenty first century, pharmaceutical industry can do ? These people decoded the human genome for Christ sake ! They take erections, and Universal Health Care and leave me with a life threatening side effect ? NO THANKS !

I want some payback ! Take some of that lobbying money and come up with a decent side effect like a KICK ASS HIGH ! I want to know if I'm unlucky enough to be stricken with an unfortunate assault on my well being that I can take something that will make me not care. Oh well, I guess there's always medical marijuana or in desperation assisted suicide. OOPS, I forgot - the federal government doesn't believe in appeasing it's suffering citizenry, especially if there's more money to extract from the veins of your ailing body. "Suck it up you self pitying malingering bastard - life sucks, deal with it ! And don't even think about dying on us, we'll hook your ass up to a machine and pass a law to keep you alive dammit - and stop breathing so hard, you'll thaw the stem cells." Yep, it's all there in the "Human Dignity and Compassion Act".

Of course there is an occasional teaser of a benefit that could play right to the soft spot (so to speak) of the male psyche, but while the suggestion of a 4 hour erection is at first intriguing, the idea of a trip to the emergency room preceded by a certainly difficult vehicle entry and an embarrassing emergency room admission is enough to initiate the onset of ED - Thanks again !

Finally, after barely surviving the explicit aural assault and the disturbing account of the threats to our most private human functional existence, my next question is this. Why is a certain segment of our population so frightened of sex education, birth control, the errant sight of a female breast on TV, or the occasional "F word" utterance, but seemingly unmoved by this daily exercise in bad taste proffered by the pharmaceutical conglomerates and the network media ? Talk about national security - this disturbing information should be CLASSIFIED, impenetrably sealed, trucked to and buried beneath a remote mountain, and all records placed far beyond the reach of the Freedom of Information Act ! If I had wanted to acquire this much knowledge of the human body I'd have gone to medical school.

So, at this point it's hard to tell if the cure is worse than the disease. It's kinda like a Katrina victim in New Orleans being told "The good news is we're here to rescue you, the bad news is - you're going to Texas" (sorry Texas, but as long as W. is a recent memory you're gonna have to live with the fallout).

I can only conclude with this statement. The next time I hear the phrase "decrease in semen", I want to know that our Navy is being downsized !